La Mer | Product Hoochie

English: Tom Ford at 2009 Venice Film Festival Italiano: Tom Ford alla 66° Mostra internazionale del cinema di Venezia (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Ah, me. I welcomed myself back to Brooklyn last night after a four day trip to see my grandparents. It never gets easier leaving them, even though almost 23 years have passed since they moved to the Sunshine State. I think it is especially difficult knowing their age. I have to remind myself to enjoy their company while realizing time ticks on. When I got back to my apartment last night, I jumped in the shower. I decided I needed a little bit of pampering after a trying day (leaving grandparents, airport ride in a shuttle, delayed flight, getting felt up in security- you get the picture).

I have to preface the products I am about to discuss with a little info (obviously, the picture above is a hint):

1. I have a problem with this line. Specifically the second saleswoman.

2. I think the prices are way too high for the products.

3. I got one of the two as a gift. I hoarded one of them because well, I’m a product hoarder.

Drum roll…. Today is the day I am going to reveal my affair with Tom Ford. It is torrid, tawdry, and fast. But I might want this relationship to go on for a long time.

It all started last year when my college roommate, Debbie, sent me a box of goodies. She works for a cosmetics company and among the Bobbi Brown eye shadow (why did they stop making the nude palette? Why?), blush and bronzer, to the jar of La Mer that my husband can’t believe costs as much as it does, to Tom Ford body scrub and body moisturizer in Neroli Portofino. Debbie credits me with her own cosmetics obsession and Sephora soirees-she told me so. When I received the package on a Sunday December morning, you would think I hit the lottery. I started using them right away- except for Tom Ford.

It was nothing personal. The truth was I was DYING to try ANYTHING by Tom Ford. The $200+ price tag for a bottle of eau de parfum made it a mere fantasy. I was lucky enough a few weeks later to have a gift certificate to Bloomingdale’s and I purchased a Tom Ford lipstick in Violet Fatale. The case weighs about five tons and though it is rich, thick, faintly scented, and long lasting, I just can’t justify spending $48 US on another tube. But damn does it look classy. The saleswoman, who was young, also gave me a mini-bottle of Violet Blonde, which did not catch my attention. After this, I kind of forgot about the Neroli Portofino moisturizer and scrub and used other neroli perfumes. Tom was always in the back of my mind but never obvious. A few months back I went to Bloomindale’s to smell Cafe Rose. The saleswoman at the counter (again very young) was a snotty know-it-all. I’m the only (perfume) know-it-all I need to know. I spritzed Cafe Rose on a test strip and let it sit. I smelled it about 30 minutes later. It smelled like car air-freshener. I think it was Tom Ford’s saleswoman that tried to break us up but Tom would soon teach me that he never failed me.

The scent that started it all.

You see, about two weeks ago, I discovered that I never used the Neroli Portofino body moisturizer. It was after the Nemo storm and Brooklyn wasn’t hit terribly hard. I was going to go out so after I showered, I squirted some of the lotion into my palm. Already I could smell the beach. Neroli is the essence of the bitter orange tree. (It’s kind of funny since I wore orange blossom water as a kid. I would buy little bottles in Tarpon Springs and pretty much pour it on myself.) But neroli is different. It is sophisticated and fun. It smells familiar yet foreign. I only needed a little lotion to cover my legs, arms, and anywhere else I deemed necessary. The scent lasted all day. All day. I got home and I could still smell Tom Ford on me. He left a lasting impression.

Last Friday was my birthday and Barneys must have known because they had the “Love Yourself” promotion. I was going to buy myself Neroli Portofino with the Bloomingdale’s gift cards I got but wanted the gift bag (wait for the post- it is gooood) so I bought the $205 50 ML of eau de parfum. The bottle looks like the sea, turquoise and glittering with gold. I sprayed it on this morning and was instantly happy. (Sadly, I didn’t find the parfum to last as long as I had hoped, so when I wear it tomorrow, I will dab a bit of the lotion on my wrists.) And that is my story about Tom Ford, Neroli Portofino, and the bottle of lotion that started it all.

I am relieved that scentual obsession is not grounds for divorce.